Luke 17:6 (KJV, emphasis added)
"Forgiveness says, 'I cannot afford to spend the energy it takes to stay angry at you. I cut the chord so that I can be free, and you can be crazy, if you want.' Forgiveness is a decision. If you cannot forgive, you have exalted your emotions over your decisions. If you have decided to follow Christ, then you have decided to live a lifestyle in which your faith is exalted above your emotions. It (forgiveness) was so important, that Christ paused dying to do it..."
Bishop T.D. Jakes
"Father forgive them, for they know not what they do..."
Luke 23:34
Theater is therapeutic NOT therapy: we are often taught as actors and students of acting to keep this distinction clear. I fully agree with this distinction. I do not find it "cool" to go to the "deepest darkest places of my life" to "cry" in character. In fact I think that's dumb and dangerous. Why would I want to put myself through that show after show after show. Not wanting to do that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Meisner technique, it lets the actor work out their emotional instrument just like you can work out the body, but without going to the "deep dark place"
That said...what does one do when the "deep dark place" is what the play is about? Crap. This is the conundrum I find myself in...right after that preposition. Sorry, I grew up with two writers (sometimes I still don't consider myself one, though I write quite a bit).
Anyway, I actually did have to answer this question. There were days in rehearsal (the first go round) when I would be paralyzed by emotion and rehearsal would stop. For hours as we talked about things I mistakenly believed I had let go of long ago. The good thing about the stopping, is that my director, who also happens to be a dear friend, possesses the skill to know how far to let me go, how much to let me wallow, and when to push me. What we found in all of that talking was the story I actually needed to tell. We found it, about three weeks before the show was supposed to go up. I actually had, three or four versions of the script in rehearsal; and that's not so bad for a new work actually.
I really started writing this play thinking it was going to be this delightful, quirky comedy about my adorable kids...
hahahahahhahaaaa!
Yeah, that makes me laugh out loud. There are still quite a few humorous moments. And one of the missing scenes is turning out to be funny (I hope). But there was a day in particular when I realized that I was angry at my mother, biological, Thelisa, or rather that I had all of these unexplored, untouchable feelings, surrounding her and her death. It was the day that my sister sent me a link to this book:
It is available on amazon.com here:
Motherless Mother's by Hope Edelman
Yeah, I read the first couple of pages of the introduction and it messed me up for three days. In a good way.
I can be very analytical at times. And I pulled several things from the six pages I read:
1. Hope interviewed over 1000 women for the book
2. Over 500,000 copies have been sold
3. All of the women in the book are experiencing/have experienced similar challenges regardless of the WAY their mother died or WHEN
4. The idea that we are having these singular experiences is a LIE.
Once I got over my own emotions enough to push forward, (with Cathy's help and guidance, thank God for her) I had and continue to have a drive to tell this story. Because people need to know that they are not alone. I made a decision that day to begin the process of forgiveness: of Thelisa (biological mom), of Betty (stepmom), of Greg (daddy,) of all sides of the family, and most of all of myself. With that decision I found a freedom that I had not experienced before. I knew that I was going into the fiery furnace like the three Hebrew boys but that I would come out without ash, or the smell of smoke. And that whatever pain I went through to get to the open door on the other side, was going to give others hope that there is life after death. Whether it be the death of a parent, the death of a child, the death of a part of their lives. There is hope.
Selah (pause and think about that).
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